Big Bucks No Whammies

Big Bucks No Whammies - That's what it's like going to the orthodontist today. Just waiting, them circling my kids'heads with a strange machine, a full set of x rays, and I'm hunched over a desk waiting, thinking, come on, make it, big bucks, big bucks, no whammies. And pow! We land on a bonus...a cherry or some big $ sign. And we only owe $2300 for the first phase of treatment. That's for both India and Christian. Insurance pays half of that. And India surprisingly won't need any big teeth pulled, and the Dr. noticed she has her mother's large permanent teeth which the Dr. said they love because it makes a beautiful smile- really - he was physically excited, looking at her profile and nodding, saying, that's exactly what he wants - saying they love working with big teeth because the end product is so flashing. Yeah, so THERE to all you Jr. High jerks who called me beaver face and buck-toothed betty! I make old Dentists get excited...yeah take that. And India might only need less than a year of braces at 12 or 13. Christian is starting with back spacers, head gear at night, and braces on by the first of November. Now if you've never played this version of Big Bucks No Whammies, this is much better news than say getting a Whammie, which is like the kind of teeth Anita had, crooked everywhich direction, whole jaw needing spread and moved. So we won! Right. Right??


I finished reading the book to Robin and all she said was, "that's the end?" And I had to agree. Oprah's pick on the Pilot's Wife is what I think is a scheme to see if a barely publishable book can become famous because we're brainwashed into thinking it's great. So when Oprah's people discover my book, that stuff will be out of their system and they'll be desperate for true genius, and her people will call my people -this is where I give them your numbers. I need you to all say you're working on another one of my projects, act cool and busy, but not too busy. Try and get me booked when Tom Hanks is there. I dreamed about him. I swore I'd never fall for a movie star, and Rita, well she's a good friend, in the dreams at least, because we drink coffee together and she smiles at me like she smiles at Tom when they walk together on the Red Carpet. But Tom and me backstage at Oprah's set, that will just be an innocent flirtation because i'm basically happy with my husband and my best-selling novel and especially my flashing smile. Happy with a no whammie day.